Two Years and Counting

I’ve put myself on a bit of infertility detox this week. Despite an encouraging talk Monday night with a girl from my church who dealt with IF in the past, I had a rotten day Tuesday. It was like I couldn’t turn my brain off and it kept rehashing over and over all the things that I just can’t imagine working out well. I finally told God that there’s no way I can make the decision to go forward with ivf or not, that he’s going to have to somehow get me to a place where I’m at peace with going in one direction or the other. But the game plan of just thinking about the situation enough to where I’m able to make the decision isn’t working out so well. I can’t imagine all the necessary things (a decision on freezing or not, M being on the same page as me and being comfortable with my overall decision, me being ok with all the medications, etc) actually coming together in an agreeable way, so I’ve had to stop thinking about it. There have been times in my life where I couldn’t imagine things working out at all, and by God’s grace, they did, and I have no choice but to believe that somehow, God will work this situation out. Either I’ll have peace about going forward with ivf (including peace in my/our decision about whether or not to freeze) or I’ll have peace that ivf is not for me. Either way, I just want to feel good about the decision. Right now, I don’t feel good about much surrounding this whole thing.
 
So, I’m not talking about it! I’ll tell you some other things…
 
Last weekend, my mom and I drove to Atlanta to spend the weekend shopping! That’s not something I do very much. I’m the world’s guiltiest shopper—meaning that I feel guilty spending money on myself and can pretty much talk myself out of buying anything…either that or I actually buy it and bring it home, then feel guilty about keeping it! M told me to live a little, and I did! But the cool thing was that because of the places we shopped, I got great deals on everything, which is always more fun.
 
Our main purpose in going to Atlanta was to visit the Sc.ott An.tique Market, which we did on Saturday. They have it the second weekend of every month, and it’s open to the public. There are hundreds of vendors selling antiques of all kinds—from high-end pieces of furniture all the way to knick-knacky collectible items. I bought a few cool things to put on the top of the armoire that holds our tv. It was a big empty space and I got a cool old box that has an old biscuit maker’s label on it, a basket, and a glass apothecary jar. My mom bought an old wooden trunk to use as a coffee table.
 
On Friday, we went to the Amer.ica’s M.art, which is the merchandise mart where people from all over the south buy merchandise to stock their shops. This was an enormous undertaking. The mart is comprised of 3 tall buildings, each one at least 10 stories tall, and each floor is filled to the brim with vendors. One building is apparel (including jewelry, sunglasses, clothes, luggage, etc etc), one is the gift mart (I don’t know what was in that one) and the third is I think home goods. We spent about four hours there and only went to one building. In fact, we only visited four floors in that one building! You really have to have a clear idea of what you’re looking for or you can get totally bogged down. We were just sort of looking for fun, so it was easy to get sidetracked.
 
After we left the mart, we went to H&M. I was so excited to discover that Atlanta has an H&M. If you’ve never been to this store, make sure you make a stop there whenever you’re in a city that has one (basically all the big cities have one.) It has really low-priced designer knock-off clothes. I’m definitely not a designer kind of girl, but I love the prices. You usually have to be prepared to dig through stuff, and it’s not all cute, but you can find some great things. I ended up only getting two shirts, but they were $5 each!!  I also made a stop at An.n Ta.ylor Loft, which we have, but theirs was much larger. I got a really cute black and white dress that was originally $99 (way overpriced, in my opinion) for $29.88! We also made a stop at the Bal.lard Backroom, which is where Bal.lard Des.igns sells all their overstock and lightly damaged pieces. I got two great rugs for my house, each for under $20. OH! We also went to an IKEA, which I’d never been to. What a place! I told M we have to go back the next time we’re looking for furniture.
 
And maybe the best part of the weekend was our hotel. My brother’s girlfriend lives in Atlanta and has a friend who works for Hotel In.tercontinental and can get “family and friends” discounts. She got us the discount, so we stayed in this super plush hotel for the same price we would have paid at a much more modest hotel. It was so great! I did feel a little out of place pulling around to the front in my little S.aturn V.ue when all the other cars were shiny jaguars and hummers, but I got over it pretty quickly! The beds were heavenly, and the bathroom was swanky with a huge spa-type bathtub (that neither of us used) and a tiled stand-alone shower. The hotel plus all the shopping and visiting shops we’d never been to before made us feel like we were on a real vacation. It was definitely a much needed break.

This weekend, M and I are both in town together, and we’re having some friends over for some grilling in the backyard. Other than that, it’ll hopefully involve having a clear mind and a relaxing weekend. Hope you all have a nice one! 

Two very good friends of ours had their second baby on Monday. We see them all the time and are so excited for them. Yesterday, I picked up a slice of her favorite cake at a bakery and we went to visit them in the hospital last night. On the way, I was hoping that their family wouldn’t all be in the room when we got there. The husband comes from a very, um…fertile family. Lots of brothers and sisters, and about 27 nieces and nephews. (That may be a slight exaggeration.) I was pumped about seeing our friends and their new son, but just didn’t want Matt and I to have to be squished into a tiny hospital room with everyone’s kids. Thankfully, it was just us and we had a great time visiting. J told me about her c-section (I wanted to hear about it) and how the nurses have been and how uncomfortable the hospital bed is. I loved that we got to really share their joy with them. We love their 2 year old son, and look forward to watching their new guy as he grows. And I know that of all our friends, these two will be so excited for us when we get pregnant.

The only downside of the visit was the long walk down the hall when we left. The pink and blue bows on every. single. door seemed to jump out at me. Seriously, it was like one of those weird mirrors you’d see at a fair or something, where it makes you look big and blobby as you walk past it. I walked the rest of the way looking at the floor until we exited the baby factory.

So, even though I had to avoid looking at the doors and didn’t want to be in a room with lots and lots of little kids the day after our friends had their baby, no one can say I don’t get excited for people who have babies! I like babies, I have nothing against new babies! I just have to create space for myself to breathe when my throat starts to constrict. I may have to bow out now and then and walk the other way when I see a group of girls who are younger than me by several years who are all bouncing a baby on their hips. I also may need to skip church every now and then for that reason. Actually, there are other reasons too, but the baby thing gets hard sometimes. And speaking of a baby factory, my church is the #1 baby factory! A friend once said, “It’s like you don’t even have to have se.x to get pregnant, it just happens as soon as you start attending this church!” Oh if she only knew!

In other news, I’m still processing through a bunch of questions and issues surrounding IVF and related things like freezing of embryos, ICSI, etc. I’ve noticed that I’m relatively OK with this infertility stuff until I start thinking about and talking about IVF. I can’t even get into a conversation about it with M without crying. I was in my bathroom one day last week, wiping my eyes for the thousandth time after having a minor breakdown after a couple of days of thought and agonizing over the subject, when it hit me that I’d cried more those few days then I have in the last couple of months. The crying was triggered by the IVF talks. I’m not sure what that means, but I prayed right there in the bathroom, “God you have to rescue me from this. Whatever form that takes, rescue me from these agonizing questions and feelings of total helplessness.” Since then, I’ve basically pushed IVF out of my mind. When the what ifs start creeping in, I just shut them out. I don’t know how else to do it.

However, I have made progress in asking a few key people (both in real life and through blogs) why they chose to do IVF or not do it. These are people who I know have similar religious beliefs as me, so I feel their explanations may give me some wisdom and/or clarity. I’ve just accepted that this is a pretty new subject to me, and while I can read all the books in the world about it, I need to be able to gain wisdom from actual people who’ve dealt with it. This is an instance when I feel I do need outside help. It’s a decision for M and I to make on our own, but the decision needs to be an informed one.

Hope everyone has a nice 4th of July. I’m headed to the beach tomorrow after work and am looking forward to some relaxation that, for me, can only happen when in immediate proximity to water, sunscreen, beach towels, and sunshine.