Two Years and Counting

11 weeks
April 28, 2009, 7:45 am
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We had our first appt with my regular OB on Thursday, and it went really well. I had gotten a bit nervous about the appt, of course, so I was pretty anxious to get there and get the ultrasound. At first, the nurse tried doing it on my belly and couldn’t find anything at all! So she did it vag.inally (I thought I was finished with those!) and found the baby that way. She said my uterus may be tilted back a bit and that’s why it took her a minute to find it (although the nurses at the fert. clinic never had a problem finding it.) Pretty quickly we saw the baby wiggling around, then she located the heartbeat. Then she turned the sound up and we heard it! I wasn’t really expecting that, and it was a beautiful sound. The baby was much bigger than the ultrasound we had two weeks prior. She got some photos (one of which makes the baby look exactly like a little alien), including one 3D image–in this one, it actually looks like a tiny baby! His/her hand is up towards the mouth and you can see the beginnings of the legs, which aren’t fully formed yet.

We had told our families and close friends about the pregnancy already, but were waiting for that first appt with the ob before we told everyone else. So, since it went well, and since I feel like I can relax more now and enjoy it, we’re now telling other people about it, and that’s making it seem more real. That, and the fact that at the appt, they loaded us up with books and pamphlets about pregnancy, which also made it feel more real. I think I’ll start to connect even more when I start to look pregnant. Right now, I have a pooch where I used to not have one, and my bbs are a bit fuller, but other than that, you can’t really tell. Definitely can’t tell when I’m fully clothed. Now, if I wasn’t holding my stomach in, people would be able to tell, but since I’m still just at the pooch stage and not the small belly stage, I’m still holding in a bit! I’m really ready for when it’s obviously baby and I can let it all out–when it doesn’t just look like I’ve been eating big meals lately! I’ve gained 5 pounds, which I guess is fairly normal. I’m at ll weeks, so really just a couple more before I’m finished with the first trimester. When I realized that a few days ago, part of me thought–well, I’ve wasted this first part of my pregnancy being worried and nervous…but the other part reminds me that pregnancy is really long…almost a year! And I have plenty of time to go.

Every day we’re thankful that we’ve been blessed in this way. I have no idea why God chose to have us wait as long as we did, and why he allowed us to get pregnant when we did. I told M the other day that it would have been fine if we’d gotten pregnant when we first started trying two years ago, but there’s something to be said for being two years further into our marriage, two years more stable financially, two years of learning more about ourselves and each other before we bring another person into our world. So I’m thankful for God’s timing, even though the path to get here was very difficult.


Pregnancy After Infertility Issues
April 18, 2009, 2:01 pm
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I’ve discovered over the last several weeks as friends have announced their pregnancies that I’m a bit resentful towards those who “just get pregnant.” I’m going to have to start being careful to not let that resentment color how I treat them or think about them. It’s an ugly thing, really, but it pops up when I least expect it. It seems that we hear of someone from our church or someone in our larger circle of people getting pregnant almost every week. When we were struggling to get pregnant, those announcements stung, of course. I figured that stinging might go away if we ever got pregnant, but I’m finding that pregnancy doesn’t automatically make the pain of infertility go away. The fact that people continue to “just get pregnant” when it took us so long, really bothers me, and I understand that it shouldn’t. I’m sure I’ll get over it at some point. I have a firm grasp on the idea that God has us all on different paths and no one’s journey is the same–I understand all that and I’m fine with it. But the ease of most people’s pregnancies still stings. In the last week or so, I’ve had two friends announce their pregnancies–one with her third child, and one with her second. With both of them, that ugly part of me thought, “Wait a minute, I just got pregnant after a really long time of trying and it’s a big deal. Why are you here announcing that you’re pregnant after deciding when you wanted to have a baby, doing the deed, and peeing on a stick?” See? U-G-L-Y.

Another part of it is that I sort of feel like an imposter. My church is mostly made up of couples in their upper 20s to upper 30s, most with multiple small children. Over the past 2 years when we were trying to get pregnant, I can’t even begin to figure out how many kids were born. So many that I had to stop looking at people in the communion line because of all the big bellies. And now I’ve “crossed over”–I’m one of the ones who will (assuming everything continues to go smoothly) have a big belly one day, but I don’t feel like I belong at all. It’s like there’s an invisible wall between the girls with kids and the ones without. Or come to think of it, maybe I’m the only one on the other side of that wall…and I know I’m the one who put myself there. No one did anything to make me feel like I’m on the other side, but after having seen so many of my peers have their first, then second, child while we still struggled, the wall definitely crept up for me. Even when I’m holding a baby in my arms, I’m not sure I’ll feel like I belong on that other side of the wall. Like I’ll still feel like I’m not up to par with the ones who got pregnant easily and never knew any burden in that regard.

9 weeks
April 9, 2009, 10:07 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Things are going well here. I had my 9 week appt this morning for an ultrasound and bloodwork. It was actually my last visit to the clinic, and I have mixed feelings about it. I’m excited to be close to being considered “normal” but I’ve gotten very used to the faces I’ve been seeing at the clinic for the last year, especially these last couple of months when I’ve been there a lot. Everyone has told me to prepare myself for very few ultrasounds with the regular obgyn, so I’m savoring what I saw this morning and am looking forward to our 10 week appt with my regular doctor and the ultrasound we’ll get then. But after that, I’m guessing it’ll be at least 4 weeks before we have another one (maybe 8 weeks?) I understand that you just can’t feasibly do an u/s on every pregnant woman, every week, but I wish I could have more regular bloodwork and urinalyses. It seems like checking the blood and urine can catch so much, and waiting 4+ weeks between checks seems like a lot. But what do I know?

I’ve been feeling good for the most part. Actually better than I was feeling 2-3 weeks ago. I’m not as tired as I was before (except for yesterday when I was about to fall asleep on my feet all day, but that was because I went to bed a good bit later the night before than I usually do. Won’t make that mistake again.) I’m eating every two hours, which staves off most not-so-good feelings. But I haven’t had any bad nausea, which I’m thankful for. I know “they” say nausea can indicate a healthy pregnancy, but since we know that’s not completely true, I’d rather not have those feelings, thank you very much!

Baby is measuring about 1 day ahead with a strong heartbeat. Today, I saw it move! It was really wiggling around, and it’s so hard to believe something so small can actually move like that. There was a big difference between what we saw on u/s last week and this week. Now, you can see a bit of a separation between the head and the body, you could see a leg hanging down, and you could see the brain forming in the head. Really unbelievable.

I have to admit, I don’t feel quite connected to this baby. Even now, it’s almost like the nurse is just showing me something on a screen, not something that’s actually in me. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t really feel all that pregnant (other than the hunger, the constant peeing, etc) or if it’s more because M and I aren’t quite yet at a point where we feel we can get really excited about being pregnant. I think we’re both feeling like this is so fragile, we don’t really want to throw ourselves into it yet. I’m praying for a peace that’ll allow us to get as excited as we want to be, as excited as our friends and family are for us. I know we’ll get there, but I guess we’re just still being cautious. Maybe another week or two and we’ll feel like we’ve at least made it out of the woods, so to speak.