Two Years and Counting

Moving on
November 20, 2008, 9:28 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Hi everyone. I haven’t had a chance to really update here becuase everythign else has been so crazy. The last week and a half have been spent getting my resume and writing samples together, cleaning out my office at work, sending a million emails to friends explaining what’s going on, answering lots of questions, etc. And also seeing my company basically being dismantled, which is really sad. At least I’m not alone in this–so many people in my company have been laid off or moved, and it’s mostly due to the changing economy and an aggressive reorganization plan aimed to basically save the company at large.

But with all that said, I’m sort of feeling good about this forced change in my life. I’ve been with this company for seven years; it was my first job after graduation, and other than the six months I spent working at a book store between my internship here and full time job, I’ve been here ever since. I’m very thankful for my time here–while I have had some issues over the years with parts of my job, overall it has put me in a place where I’m hoping to be able to freelance and actually make some money doing it. And I’ve made connections here that I hope will serve me well in the future.  And with the freelance stuff, if I hadn’t been laid off, who knows if I would have really stopped and taken the time to try to make a go of it as a freelance writer? I will be getting a part time job to bring in some money, but this is my time to see if I can make it in the freelance world. We’ll see what happens. (M is very supportive of this plan, which I’m so thankful for.)

The only thing that has kept me from fully being excited about this opportunity is the withdrawal of my wonderful health insurance at the end of Feb. M and I have been thinking off and on–God, what are you doing? It’s a mystery. First He keeps me in a job that I didn’t like (like I said, I had issues with my specific job for a while) and I didn’t understand why He wouldn’t open the door for me to go somewhere else, but then we start to try to get pregnant and it doesn’t work. Lo and behold, my company offers unbeatable insurance, and I get my answer as to why He was keeping me here. So I’m good with that. I feel like I can be cautious in my approach to getting pregnant, not jumping into anything too quickly. But then I lose my job, and with it, my insurance (well, after severance runs out.) Now what? I’m still not pregnant, and we’re forced to deal with decisions we (I) didn’t want to have to make yet.

That was my thinking last week. I had a bad day Friday when I got the “negative” phone call from the nurse at the clinic that dashed any tiny hope that God would let us get pregnant the same week that I lose my job. 

But now, I’m more ok with things. Yes, this makes us have to “fast track” our treatment, but for me, I think this may be an ok thing. I was so hung up on not wanting to do anything too invasive and medical in order to get pregnant, but M and I both want a child so badly. Not just for the sake of having a baby or for me just to be pregnant, but we both want to start our family, start that new chapter, impart as much love and care as we can into the children God gives us. And I’m now sort of ok with the fact that this lay off is making me put my fears behind me and take a step forward. I know that God won’t let us make a huge mistake when what we really want is His will and to follow His plan for us. That’s what we really want, so all we can do is take a step and trust that He’ll correct our course if it’s wrong. But I can’t ignore the fact that insurance is running out soon and we still want to get pregnant. Maybe this is God’s way of telling me I need to take this step, trust my doctor, and do what she suggests. Maybe it’s His way of letting me know that for some reason that only He understands, M and I are going to need more medical intervention in order to have a family.

I called last week to get an office visit appt with Dr H so we can let her know about my job and ask her how she thinks our time will be best used. They said the first appt she had was Dec 9, which would be at the end of my next cycle. I was super disappointed, thinking waiting another cycle means one more cycle closer to the end of insurance. They said they’d put me on a waiting list in case anyone cancelled. The next day, they called with a cancellation! So now we’re seeing her Monday. That was the good news of the week.

So, that’s me in a nutshell right now. I’ll be back to let you know what she said about our new path.


In Which I am Laid Off
November 10, 2008, 4:24 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I don’t have much to update here on the doctor front. I’m in the middle of the 2ww, and expect to feel cramps any day now…although the progesterone might trump them.

However, I have much to update in other areas. I found out this morning that my department at work has been “eliminated.” My company is part of another, much larger, company, and the big parent company is cutting way back to save money. My department happened to be one that got the ax. It wasn’t a huge shock, as we started hearing a couple of weeks ago that there were going to be significant layoffs. I had pretty well prepared myself for being laid off, so while today wasn’t exactly a cheery day, it wasn’t totally devastating.

What does this mean for me? It means I milk my insurance as much as I can in the next three and a half months. If I’m not pregnant this month, M and I are going to have another meeting with Dr. H and tell her we need to *cautiously* fast track things. I’m still operating under the assurance that if God intends for us to get pregnant, it will happen when he says so, regardless of what we do at the doctor’s office. That’s fine. But considering I now have a very limited amount of time left with good insurance coverage, we need to make the most of this time. So, we’ll talk to her more about her suggestion of FSH+IUI, and get down to brass tacks as far as what she thinks we should do to maximize my time. I know this is all in God’s hands, and he knows I know that, and he also knows that M and I need to be as fiscally responsible as possible, and right now that means do what we can while it’s covered.

Just like God is in control of my fertility, he’s also in control of this new situation. This may be the way that he introduces some other interesting thing into my life. Maybe this door had to close so that something else can pop up. I read in a devotional a few weeks ago that sometimes God’s most severe refusals have to happen to make way for his biggest blessings. I’m praying that’s the case with this situation.

Hope you’re all doing well!