Two Years and Counting

17 weeks
June 8, 2009, 2:27 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I see I haven’t updated here in a while. Every time I’m on the computer and I think about updating, I wonder what I’ll write about. I think it’s partly the fact that I started this blog as a place to vent frustrations about infertility and connect with others going through the same thing (which proved to be so valuable to me), and now that I’m pregnant, I’m wondering what to write about without making anyone uncomfortable and/or sad…and partly because maybe I’m afraid I’ll jinx all this if I talk about it too much! Seriously, I know how sensitive I was (and in some ways still am…more about this later) when I was trying to get pregnant and heard someone talking about her pregnancy or new baby. Granted this is a little different because someone can choose not to read my blog anymore if it bothers them (and I wouldn’t blame them at all) whereas if you’re in conversation with someone who starts to talk to you about their baby, there’s nothing you can do except try to wait until you’re alone before you start to cry (or was I the only one who did that?!)

So, I struggle a bit with how to approach this blog now. I definately desire a place where I can talk about things that are on my mind and connect with other people, pregnant or not. But I don’t want to hurt anyone who is still on the journey to conceive. So, even if I talk about things having to do with my pregnancy or pregnancy in general, please know that in my day to day life, I strive very hard to not hurt anyone who may be on that journey, and I watch what I say as much as possible when I’m around people whose whole stories I do not know.

So, all that said, I’m 17 weeks and doing well. I missed out on morning sickness, which made me very happy and feel very lucky, as I have many friends not so lucky. We find out the se.x in about two and a half weeks. Things are definitely feeling more real now, as I have a small bump and have had such strange changes in my body. Some of them you’re prepared for–weight gain, bbs getting bigger, having to eat more often–but others have been surprises. I have the oddest pang and twitches in my belly from time to time. Not the baby-kicking kind of twitches–I haven’t felt those yet. But just other pains and things that come and go. I’ve had a bit of round ligament pain…that comes mainly when I stand up quickly or change positions quickly. It can be a really stabbing pain that catches me off guard, but it only lasts a couple of seconds. Yesterday I was feeling more regular, but much less painful, twinges, off and on all day. I didn’t call the nurse because I didn’t want to be “that girl” who calls with every pain. But I did call today just to let her reassure me that it’s RLP and not something else, which she did. I’m sure they’re used to women calling often.

I’m also burping a lot, and my hunger pains come on very forcefully and without warning. In the beginning, I was eating literally every two hours. I could almost time the hunger pains… I knew exactly when they’d be coming. Now, it’s not as regular, but when they do hit, boy I better have something to eat on hand. And I’m eating mostly healthy snacks. I’ve tried hard to not give into every craving of salty potato chips (my only true craving, other than cold OJ), and am trying to stick to fruit, cheese, nuts, peanut butter, etc.

I’m getting better with the resentment of other women who get pregnant (I think I mentioned that in an earlier post.) However, I still find myself feeling uncomfortable sometimes around babies. It’s weird-I’d think most pregnant women get excited to see and play with babies, but I still find myself having the familiar feelings of “That’s not for me”–feelings I had during our two year IF struggle. A few weekends ago, we were at the beach and ran into some friends of my parents, and they were holding their precious 6 month old grandbaby. M and I were sitting facing towards each other on two lounge chairs, and they were standing sort of behind me. The whole time they were there, I could hardly look at them–even though by next summer, my parents will be doing the exact same thing with my baby! I just felt like I needed to keep my face forward and not look at them too much. I think the feelings that carved themselves out a place in my brain during that time are sticking around, even though I am pregnant, and God willing, I will have one of those babies in November. It just still feels like babies and mothers with babies are part of a world that I’m not a part of. Maybe those feelings won’t truly go away until I am holding this little one.

I’m not as scared that something bad will happen to this pregnancy. At 17 weeks, I’m digesting the fact that chances are, I’ll have this baby as planned. I’ve passed the “dangerous” time (although we know anything can happen at any time), and a friend pointed out yesterday that it’s not too far off til I’m at the point where if something did happen and I went into early labor, the baby would have a decent chance of being ok. M and I have decided to not having any testing done on this baby–tests to determine abnormalities like Downs Syndrome. We thought about it and asked our doctor for her opinion, and she said if we wouldn’t do anything if we found out there was a potential problem (i.e., we wouldn’t have an abortion, which we wouldn’t) then she’d suggest we not do the testing. She said if she thought I needed to do it, if I were a higher risk, she’d tell me, but that it would be fine if I decided not to. She also pointed out that there’s a decent chance of false positives with the tests, and that it could pick up an abnormality when there really isn’t anything there. I know my tendency to worry, and I know that if we got any abnormal tests, I would worry and wouldn’t be able to enjoy the pregnancy. We’re just going to trust that God will give us the baby He intends for us to have.

Other than that, I’m furiously reading through Baby Bargains, and trying to make decisions on strollers and car seats, so when it comes time to register, I’m ready. I’m a planner and I like to have all the facts before I make a decision, and this book is fabulous in that it gives you so much information about every crib, stroller, car seat, baby monitor, that you hardly have to do any “test-driving” in the store–you can almost just buy what they recommend. It’s a life-saver, since all this stuff is totally new to me. It’s like learning a new language!

I hope everyone is doing well. I’m keeping up with many of your blogs even though I haven’t been updating here often and am not commenting much.

P.S. Has anyone heard of any cute (but not cheesy) ideas for fathers day for fathers-to-be? I’m drawing a blank.


3 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Nice to hear from you and that you are doing well in your pregnancy. If you are struggling with what to do with this blog, why not start a new one so you can focus on the pregnancy and documenting the baby’s life afterwards – even if you make it a private blog! I am usually so disappointed when bloggers decide to stop blogging simply because their blog started as an infertility blog and now they are pregnant. Just make it a blog about life – there will be more adventures and challenges to come!

Comment by Soapchick

So glad to hear from you and yes I could have totally written this post – and from my blog you can see I stopped writing for both of those reasons. I know it was mainly people going through IVF reading and they dont’ want to read about a baby and really – I thought I woudl jinx it. I didn’t have any of the downs testing either b/c this is God’s choice and his miracle and we are so thrilled to take what we get! But I will tell you the nervousness lessens around 24-26 weeks and you start getting excited – at least it did for me! Up until that point I was still a nervous ninny! I’m 29 weeks today and so thankful for IVF and ART!!

Comment by Stephanie

I hope you decide to keep blogging here and don’t worry so much about caring for the feelings of others. I’m in the same place you are – after 3 years of IF, I’m pregnant too. We have so many of the same thoughts and concerns, based on the things you write. Blog for you. Not for your readers. You just might find a few new readers along the way as long as you stay true to yourself. 🙂

Comment by Lanie

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