Two Years and Counting

A Meltdown and Good News from Insurance
January 2, 2009, 3:19 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I had a meltdown on Wednesday, New Years Eve. I mean, a complete come-apart. I found out that morning that a dear friend of mine is pregnant. This friend has been my partner in the infertility roller coaster for the last year. She and her husband had been trying to get pg for the exact same amount of time as M and I, although she hadn’t yet done any medical procedures to get pg. All she did was have a laparoscopy. And luckily, that’s all it took. I am so happy for her…although happy doesn’t really cover it. She’s so amazed that she’s actually pregnant, after almost 2 years of trying. It came out of the blue when she didn’t expect it…and it came from plain old s.ex! It’s good to know it can still happen that way for people who struggle to get pregnant. And she understands exactly how huge of a gift this is. Just like all of us who have done down this road, she doesn’t take her pregnancy for granted. She knows how much it took for her to get where she is. I think one reason I’m so happy for her is because she got what I wanted. I know how happy I’d be if I were where she is, and I’m happy that she’s getting to experience that. I am praying wholeheartedly that this doesn’t put a strain on our friendship, because her friendship and support through my infertility has been such a blessing for me. I’m praying that I can be joyful with her when we’re together, and that I can listen to everything she wants to talk about and not let my sadness (for myself) get in the way, because I know that’s what she’d do for me.

My meltdown came a little later in the day, after our breakfast together. Her news just made me so sad for M and I. I couldn’t stop the tears. I kept thinking about how God let it work out so beautifully for her. All the little details just came together in such perfect ways, and I couldn’t help but think, “Why not us?” I cried and cried, then talked to Matt about it, then felt better. The thing is, I usually don’t cry about the infertility stuff. It’s always an undercurrent, it’s always there underneath everything else in my life, but usually the good outweighs the sad, and I can sort of put those feelings in a box and just ignore them for a while. Wednesday was one of the rare days that the box filled up and everything came pouring out. And I felt much better after the tide receded. New Years Eve was even salvaged, and a fun time was had by all.

Yesterday M and I went on a New Years Day hike in the woods with our dog. It was a great time to just be together and take in the sun and the cold air and the trees. During the walk, I thought back over my meltdown, and I realized that I really don’t think that God has forgotten about us (even though I let that slip out of my mouth at one point on Wednesday.) I believe he is taking care of us, and that IVF is actually the road we’re supposed to be on, even through it’s 180 degrees away from how I thought I’d get pregnant. And I may not even get pregnant this way. But I still think it’s the right road for us right now. If it doesn’t work, we’ll decide later what to do, and figure out how to go down another road. I’m trusting that if adoption is what God has in store for us, that he’ll give BOTH of us a total peace about that road…just like he’s given me a peace about the IVF road when I never thought I’d feel good about it.

I don’t necessarily like that we’re doing IVF, I wish we didn’t have to do it, and it’s getting increasingly hard for me to be around some people because of the separation in our lives (even if the separation is only in my head), but I trust that God loves us and is working in our lives. I believe that he is doing things, that there is movement out there, even if I can’t see it. And I trust that he won’t abandon me in this deep struggle, because he says he won’t.


In other news, our Christmas present from the insurance company was a letter of approval for IVF. This is good news because it means I don’t have to withstand a month of ovulation induction drugs that I don’t need just to satisfy the insurance company. I’m glad about that. I may have mentioned this before, but I’ve gotten pretty good at not thinking about things that aren’t pleasant to think about, especially regarding infertility. An example of this is that I’m not really thinking about the fact that in less than two weeks, I’ll be starting the IVF process. I know nothing about the drugs or injections, and more importantly, neither does M (he’ll be the one giving me the shots.) I’m not thinking about the drugs, the oodles of doctor’s appointments, the oodles of blood draws, the oodles of ultrasounds, etc. I’ll just deal with that when the time comes.

One caveat to that—I’m thinking about IVF as far as how it affects what kind of job I will or won’t look for. I’m really stumped as far as how to look for a job, or whether or not I should even be looking for a job when I’m about to start IVF. (It’d be a part time job, not full time.) In my old job, I would have been able to tell my boss, “Look I’m going to have a lot of doctor’s appointments in the next several weeks and will be missing some work,” and she would have been fine with it. But how would a new employer (if I were to get hired) feel about me starting the new job and immediately saying I’d be missing work here and there. Part of me thinks I should just hold off on looking for a job until after the IVF cycle is over, but the other part says I need to look now because we need the income and if this IVF cycle doesn’t work, what then? I can’t just stay out of work forever. It’s hard–I feel really stuck in limbo, not knowing what’ll happen over the next couple of months. Was me losing my job God’s way of getting me in less stressful place, ready to undergo IVF, or should I try to secure some kind of part time job to bring in some money while I’m going through IVF? I just keep thinking about the frequent ultrasound and blood draw visits, the discomfort of IVF itself, the needed rest time around retrieval and transfer, etc and how much easier it’d be to handle all that when I’m not trying to juggle a new job, even if it is only part time.

And in the meantime, I’m trying to figure out what to do with myself right now as I’m not working. December was pretty easy because there was decorating, buying gifts, wrapping gifts, baking, watching Christmas movies on tv, etc. Now that it’s January, I’m starting to feel a bit worthless. I haven’t allowed myself to watch daytime TV, because that only enhances the feelings of worthlessness to me! I’m not sure why, but just the sound of something like R.egis and Kelly, The is Right, or Days of our on in the background is enough to make me feel like I’m wasting away. If I were home with a baby–if I had a real reason to be home other than just being job-less–that’d be totally different. But being home alone with Regis and Kelly doesn’t do good things for me! Instead, I’ve been on the computer a lot looking for freelance stuff, exercising (nothing excessive, per my doctor, even though I’ve never been an excessive exerciser!), and writing. Not necessarily freelance writing (since people aren’t hiring freelancers as much these days, it seems, but another kind of writing that just feels good to me. I’m trying to make myself feel better about spending time writing on something that isn’t going to make me any money. (Unless I’m lucky and I get it published one day!)

So that’s what’s going on around here. Trying to find balance, trying to figure out what the next few months may look like, and trying to let go of my need for control…because someone gave me a really good piece of advice not too long ago. She said that to go through IVF, you must relinquish your need to be in control, because nothing will be in your control! I’m trying to soak that in and remember it.


4 Comments so far
Leave a comment

That is so true about relinquishing control. As I started the IVF cycle, I was “expecting” things would happen by x day, when x day came and went, I was frustrated. And then there was the major twist with a freeze all. Trusting that God is in control and you are not is huge. I also subscribed to Sarah’s Laughter, which has great devotionals and found that helped a lot.

If you have any questions about shots, please let me know. I’ve got a bunch of posts with comments on my blog that you can also reference. A lot of people were super helpful with ideas.

I can understand the job situation. You might want to check with your clinic. Mine requires you to do b/w before 9 am and u/s before 8 am, so it wouldn’t really interfere with work at all. The only thing would be the ER and ET where you’d need a couple days off around those dates.


Comment by Nity

Before I forget… these 3 posts have a bunch of answers to shots. If you have any more questions, don’t hesitate. ~~HUGS~~

Comment by Nity

She told me that too – Until I give it over to God I’m not going to get His true answer and can I say – once I gave it over to Him I did forget about the process instead of dwelling on it. Please please ask me as many questions as you can come up with about IVF. I’ve done it twice!! Two different protocols. And I”ve asked all the stupid questions – lets just say Janet will be more than thrilled to see me move on my merry way!! Dr. H will guide you through!

Comment by Stephanie

I don’t really know what to say, except that I *know* how hard IF and IVF are. Hang in there hun.


Comment by MrsLaLa

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: