Two Years and Counting

God’s Humor
October 23, 2008, 12:36 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

It strikes me as kind of funny that in the middle of our infertility, just when I was feeling pretty low after the surgery, my mother-in-law asked me to write a devotional for her churches women’s retreat…and the theme is JOY! My thoughts have been along the lines of, “Great, I’m the perfect person to be writing about joy at this point in my life!”

It’s not that I feel depressed or down in the dumps or sad all the time. Mostly, I try to not think about the whole not-getting-pregnant situation. Obviously it’s in the back of my mind, and it comes to the forefront at certain times during the month, but for the most part, I try to keep it buried under other, happier things in my mind and life. I’ve always been a fairly happy person (except for that underlying sadness or longing, which C.S. L.ewis so perfectly put words to in his essay The W.eight of Glory*) but this year, there has been a definite hampering to my happiness. While I wholeheartedly enjoy life simple things and times spent with my family and friends, the sadness is more acute at times, and the longing more desperate. And I’m learning that although I do feel a longing for children, it’s also a longing for completion, acceptance, recognition, and perfect peace that can’t be found in this life. I long for what I was made for, which is heaven and eternity with Jesus. Children is a longing that will never go away, but even having children won’t completely fulfill me. This is an important lesson to learn.

(*Caveat: I learned a lot of this through reading the Lewis essay—if you’ve never read it, it’s eye-opening, and it truly gave voice to a feeling I’ve always had, but didn’t know other people had as well.)

So anyway, the devotional I’m supposed to write. I was telling a friend about it the other day (this friend is also walking the infertility road). We agreed that maybe God put me in a place to be writing this devotional because I need to hear the words as much as the women at the retreat do. I’ve been thinking that I need to write something that will bless them and help them, when maybe it’s me who needs to be blessed and helped. Maybe that’s why God has me writing it. So far, I haven’t come up with anything that’s earth shattering or revolutionary. I still have a couple of weeks to work on it, and I just hope it’s something that blesses these women, and maybe me too.

On the doctor front, we’re still planning to try these next 2-3 cycles, then re-evaluate and decide what steps to take next, if I’m not pregnant by the end of the year. We did decide to go ahead with an IUI this month (and probably next month too). We figure we might as well boost our chances as much as we can. I confess I don’t have much hope in IUIs since we have four failed ones under our belt, but maybe, just maybe, since the few spots of endo I had are gone, the IUI will give us the boost we need. Who knows, it’s worth a shot.

I hope you all are having as nice weather as we’re having. I’m enjoying the cooler weather even though I mourn the loss of summer!


5 Comments so far
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You should post your devotional after you’ve finished writing it!

Comment by andrea_jennine

I agree! Please post your devotional when you’re done. So sorry that you weren’t pregnant this last cycle. I was hoping the delay between posts was a good thing. I’ll be praying for you!

Comment by Robin

Hobby Lobby! I love that place. They had a ton of them a couple of months ago. I’ve had to put myself on word art restriction though. I was getting a little crazy with it but for someone who loves words that was easy to do.

Comment by Robin

I want to read the devotion too. Please post! What an honor to be asked though! I too have recently had the revelation that my joy does not come from bringing a child into the world it must come from my relationship with God and the promise of eternity with Him. It is a great revelation to have although I do know that having a baby would bring us both great joy! 🙂

Comment by Stephanie

I know God is using you to do great things. It is a hard road to walk down, but I often feel God is refining us, strengthening us and molding us His glory. I’ll be praying for you.

Comment by Nity

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