Two Years and Counting

Post-Op Appt and Lack of Hope
October 2, 2008, 11:03 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I had my post-op appointment today. I went in rather breezily, expecting Dr H to say, “We cleaned out your endo, now go forth and reproduce.” But I’m sad to say I left the appt almost in tears, feeling the air leaking out of my hope. She didn’t say anything especially hope-crushing, but I left feeling like all the hope and possibility that had built up in me (even if it was subconsciously) has been battered down.

Her tune was a bit different from what Matt relayed to me immediately after the surgery was over when she talked to him. He said that she told him there’s no way to tell if what she found was the culprit, so we just try and see what happens. Or maybe that’s what he just wanted to hear—or maybe it’s what he thought I needed to hear. In actuality, while there’s no way to tell 100% if the *mild* endo and *mild* pelvic adhesions were our culprit, she doesn’t seem convinced it was, and she suggested that it’s time to “move on to our next step.” Even her saying that shocked me because I was pretty confident our “next step” was to just try on our own at least through the end of 2008 to see if the lap cleared up our problem. I wasn’t prepared to talk about other steps.

She didn’t mention IVF like I thought—maybe it’s because she can tell I’m still not ready to go there, or maybe it’s because she remembered that my insurance said they won’t cover IVF because I haven’t tried any kind of fertility drugs. At any rate, she suggested FSH shots to induce the creation of more eggs—a situation that kind of terrifies me since that’s the way that most multiples come. And it terrifies me to think of having multiples. She said I still don’t need Clomid since I ovulate 1 egg each month on my own. The FSH would make me produce more than one egg, with the idea being that instead of the sperm just having just one egg to get to, they’ll have more than one egg to try for—increasing the odds that one of them might fertilize—although the chance is only 20%. 23% if we do an IUI with the FSH, instead of just on our own.

I asked her if she thinks the problem could be at the point of fertilization. After all, we tried 4 IUIs. It seems if there was a problem with cervical fluid or lackluster sperm or other obstacles, putting the sperm way up high, right next to the egg would solve the problem—all the sperm would have to do is fertilize, instead of the whole swimming north thing. Yet, nothing fertilized. She said that could be the problem, but there’s no way to tell that until you do IVF. (Which, by the way, she said gives you a 50% pregnancy odds. But even though the rate is much higher, I still can’t bring myself to that point.)

So that’s what we have to think about. She did say we can try natural cycles for the next 3 cycles just to see if having the endo cleared out does the trick. I brought up the fact that I’ve never had a luteal phase longer than 11 days—something that’s been in my mind for a while, but every time I mention it, they bring up the fact that my mid-cycle progesterone levels were fine when they checked. This time Dr H said she was fine with me going with progesterone support—the dreaded progesterone suppositories I’ve heard some of you mention. I’ll start taking it 8 days after ovulation and continue it until the pregnancy test that they’ll schedule. It sounds totally gross and not fun at all. I asked her if this is just a shot in the dark, or if she thinks it’s really worth trying. She said she’s ok with it. I don’t know what that means, but I suppose I’ll try it.

I just can’t shake the fear that it’s not going to happen for me. I don’t feel like I have much hope anymore. Hope for pregnancy, that is, not hope in general. The last time I said that to Matt, a few days after the surgery, he said he still has hope and that he has enough for both of us. I can’t fathom why this is part of God’s plan for me. I know it’s not our place to question him or his plan, but I’m just mad. And sad. And I feel sort of bottomed out. It was a really hard month for me and I was hoping for something good to come, but I’m just not expecting it. On the elevator this morning on the way to my appt, I was thinking to myself that I couldn’t believe I’d been going to that clinic since January and I’m still not any closer to pregnancy than I was 10 months ago. Hard to believe.  I don’t mean to be a downer, but this is a hard day.


9 Comments so far
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I’m sorry, friend. I’ve had those kinds of disappointing days. May you find new mercies soon.

Comment by andrea_jennine

I am so sorry. I’ve been following your story for a while now. Every new path seems to offer more questions than answers on this strange road. The Lord does have a plan! What a blessing to have a husband with enough hope for you both! You are certainly in my prayers. And, the progesterone suppositories are not that horrible. I put it in and then elevate my hips for 20 minutes or so before I roll over and go to sleep. I haven’t had any side effects either. So there’s some more hope for you! Everyone reacts differently to every medication.

Comment by Robin

I’m sorry you are feeling that way. I can understand it though – we started going to Dr. H in January and 10 months and 1 failed IVF later – we aren’t any closer to being pregnant than we were back then. Its hard to handle some days but you just have to hope that the good days outnumber the bad days. At this point that is all we can ask for. You know God has a plan and His timing is perfect and when you get the baby you are meant to get none of this will have mattered b/c you would do it all over again to get that child that God has waiting for you. Ask Dr. H about Crinone – they aren’t suppositories just gel that you insert like monistat cream — it was very tolerable – no gross oozing or anything – it just absorbs. Its progesterone but I was using it with progesterone in oil shots so it may not be enough progesterone by itself – its worth asking though.

Comment by Stephanie

I’m so sorry. I’ve been in this same boat–AM in this same boat, currently. I hope the next three months prove successful and that the endo WAS the problem, WAS being the operative word.

Comment by glenna

So sorry for that day….sometimes it sucks worst than others. Just know there are many of us, like you who wonder when will it ever end…thinking of you…xoxoxoxoxo

Comment by Wishing4One

I’m sorry you are having a hard day. It sucks to have those. Saying some prayers for you and sending you hugs.

Comment by Nity

Its easy to be encouraging to others but it’s alot harder to encourage yourself. I hope you had a restful and relaxing weekend and are feeling a little more hope!

Comment by Stephanie

War Eagle then! My husband and I both grew up in Birmingham and then met at Auburn. I found you through Stephanie’s blog and I honestly have no idea how I found her. There are several of us Auburn alum’s out there blogging about infertility issues.

I hope you are feeling better. We all have those days when we can’t find the strength to hope anymore. You’re in my prayers.

Comment by Robin

im sorry too. this comment is a lil late and so i’m praying that you’re feeling revived since then.

Comment by Just Me

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