Two Years and Counting

August 8, 2008, 11:55 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Sorry I haven’t updated in a while. I’ve been writing furiously in my journals and just haven’t gotten around to writing here. Plus, for some reason WordPress won’t let me post new entries on my computer at work (probably a good thing!) and since I’m on the computer all day at work, usually the last thing I want to do when I get home at night is pull out the computer again! So anyway, here I am.

M and I had an appointment with Dr. H on Monday to discuss the zillion more questions I had about ivf. If you remember, after our last discussion with her in May in which she suggested ivf as a next course of action for me, I left the meeting feeling pretty teary. We resolved to spend the summer thinking about the procedure and praying about it, and basically figuring out where we stand. I agonized for a long time, feeling the pressure to just “Decide!” I finally realized that I couldn’t just make the decision, that God was going to have to move me to a place where I was able to say, “Yes, let’s go forward with ivf,” or “No, this isn’t something I can do.” I knew M was for it. He didn’t want to even think about adoption until we’d tried ivf at least once, just to know we tried all we could to have our own child. I agreed with him, but I continued to be hung up on the drugs, the ethical issues, the overall scariness of it all.

As the weeks went on, I just decided to put it all out of my mind. I continued to pray and dwell on verses that told me God would not forsake me, that God gives wisdom when we ask for it, and that all his workings are for my good. I had great conversations with a select few friends who know what we’re going through and I knew they were praying for us and our decision.

So, Monday rolls around and I wake up with my stomach already in knots. I just didn’t know how I would react to the meeting. I hoped it wouldn’t be a repeat of the meeting in May. But the thing is, I left feeling much more at peace and ok than I really ever expected. It’s sort of hard to explain without it sounding like I had a complete 180 turn in the span of 2 hours. And really, that’s not it. I had prayed so much leading up to this appt that God would use the appt to show us what he wanted us to see and hear, that our hearts would be soft, that I’d feel guided in a direction–any direction! I even prayed that he’d use Dr H and have her speak the words he wanted us to hear. Now, I can’t say that happened for sure. When I talked to a friend a few months ago who went through ivf to have her son, I prayed then that God speak to me through her…and after that discussion, I didn’t feel any better because it turns out she sort of went into it full steam ahead and didn’t have any of the concerns I did. So who’s to say that God did or didn’t use her to speak to me.

Anyway, Dr. H was just really warm and encouraging, and for every issue I brought up, she had a reason why I could be calm about it and feel a little better about it. (Turns out that while I had a lot of legitimate concerns, some of my concerns were based more on what I got from random google searches than based on fact!) She didn’t poo-poo my concerns or made me feel like I was crazy for having those concerns, she just explained the facts of the process more clearly to me. I told her right off the bat that M and I are Christians (I couldn’t remember if I told her that before) and that we had concerns that maybe other couple wouldn’t have when going through ivf. She said she’s a Christian too (which I figured from the first time we met with her, and Steph verified) and she explained why she’s ok with ivf and where her beliefs stand in regards to it. I went through my list of questions and was pretty satisfied with all her answers. We even talked about the number of embryos we’d want to fertilize, acknowledging that we’d only want to transfer one at a time. (M and I will talk more about that in the coming weeks and months.)

When our talk was over, she said we’d schedule another visit so we can have the “risk and benefit” talk, and I needed to have a couple of blood tests–some sort of lupus test and an antibody test. Not sure of the details. It’s just another stick in the arm for me! We also started the ball rolling on insurance pre-approval. It stinks because I have the coverage for ivf (or at least a good portion of it) but they really don’t want to pay for ivf unless they have to. They (the ins. company) wants us to be able to show them documentation that we’ve been trying to conceive for 24 months before they’ll pay for ivf. I guess that makes sense from an insurance point of view. It’ll officially be 2 years in January. But the hang up is that I didn’t tell my obgyn that we were having trouble until last July. So they could feasibly come back and say they won’t cover ivf until next July…which would be a big pain since we’re now fairly ready to do it. I’ll just pray that God will continue to have his hand in this and that if we are to go forward with it, that he’ll pave the way.

I was going through all this with my mom a couple of nights ago, and I explained it to her in this way–and I didn’t even realize this was how I felt until I put it into words–I feel a sense of relief. I have felt lighter this week since our meeting. I spent the last two and a half months having no idea where we were going, feeling really unsteady not knowing what our next step would be, and sort of feeling like all the pressure to decide was on my shoulders. I now feel like I can see the next step. It’s like the idea that God only illuminates one step ahead on the path, but not the next 10 steps. I now can see a little bit of light showing me our next step. And I’m relieved. A friend’s mom did ivf several times and it never worked, so she moved on to adoption. She’s been waiting for a baby from China for three years, but I’d imagine she felt some relief when, after all the failed ivfs, they decided they were going to adopt. They saw light illuminating their next step.

I’m still worried about some things with the process, and by no means is ivf what we want. We don’t WANT to have to do this. But we’re eager to expand our family, I have a job that affords me a lot of sick and vacation time that I can take, I have a boss that will work with me on taking time off, I have good insurance coverage, I have a solid support system around me and I know I won’t be going through this alone…all these things add up to this being the road for us. That, and I feel fairly at peace with it. (And I say “fairly” because, again, this is not the road we’d have chosen for ourselves, but my hesitations and big concerns have been lessened.) I am now seeing ivf as an option for people who have trouble getting pregnant. Much like the sick person may need to take drugs, have major surgeries, or other interventions to get well, this is an option for us to help what may be a medical issue. It’s not 100% necesary–I could opt to not do it, but there is a chance it could work. I believe God will be completely in charge, and if he desires us to have our own child(ren), it will happen in some way. It just may be through ivf, but it may not be. (I’m also praying that God will make ivf unnecessary!)

We still do have the risk and benefit meeting with Dr H and I suppose I could freak out when she tells me the risks, but I’m going to trust God to either continue to give me peace, or give me a huge hesitation or check in my spirit that makes me say No Way. I just want him to be clear with me!

So that’s where I stand. Thanks to all of you who’ve been thinking about me. The personal experiences you’ve shared on your blogs have really helped me a lot in figuring out what I want to do. And it’s always so reassuring to hear of other people who are in a similar situation.

Have a great weekend!

6 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I’m so glad you’re feeling some relief and seeing that light for your steps ahead!

Comment by andrea_jennine

I’m glad that it seems like things are finally coming into place and that you are feeling better about what is in store for you next. I’m sure it will all come together for you both exactly as it is supposed to.

Comment by Jennifer

Thanks for that very beautiful post. It’s really great to hear someone making a decision (worries and fears, etc.) about IVF. It looks like that might be the next step for us too. I need to look into the insurance coverage and it’s really interesting about the 24 months. I’m really glad to hear you’re coming into a space where you feel much better and sure about what is in store. That’s awesome to hear.

Comment by Nity

You won’t freak out when she tells you the risks — there really aren’t that many actual risks! I too feel very confident in Dr. H and feel like she is a great Christian woman. I’m glad you feel even a little bit better about it all. If you’ve read my post today you know that I’m in a bit of a crisis within it all but still wouldn’t change it b/c I know God is in control. If this one doesn’t work out well — maybe the next one does and when He changes my heart to not want to try IVF anymore we’ll move to adoption. I can tell you that I’m on a pretty hefty dose of Follistem and still have had no side effects after 8 days of stims. I’ve been emotional but who wouldn’t going through all of this – no total fits or anything. I feel blessed to be able to say that if this cycle gets cancelled that I wouldn’t have any fears about moving on to the next one – quickly! If it was that bad I would need a little while to recover. After reading your post, I feel better – God might want to give us just enough embryos – He knows my fear about freezing the embryos and not really wanting to do this again after we get a child and not wanting to destroy them and having a bit of a problem with donating them. I really see all this clearly now. I really hope that this is what He is doing – thanks Lauren for helping me see this in a new light.

Comment by Steph

pray that God will continue to reveal His peace and love to you through out this process.

Comment by Just Me

* I * pray! oops

Comment by Just Me

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