Two Years and Counting

June 20, 2008, 5:19 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized
This morning I read a blog post by a female anchor on one of our local tv stations who has just overcome breast cancer for the second time in the seven years I’ve lived in this city. She said that she feels she has an obligation to be a source of information and support for others who battle cancer after her, since she gained so much knowledge and support from those who had cancer before her.
I sort of feel the same way about this infertility journey. I know I’m not as far along on the journey as some are. We haven’t entered the world of IVF, I don’t know a thing about using donors or surrogates, but my journey is what it is, and it could be useful to someone else at some point. Already, I feel it’s served to help one friend who’s coming just behind me on the path. She and her husband have been trying as long as Matt and I have, but she hasn’t yet taken steps to see an RE. She didn’t know a thing about infertility when she first opened up to me about their struggle, as I didn’t until I started reading about it, so the information I’ve been able to give has been an encouragement to her.
Like most couples, when Matt and I decided to start trying, we figured we’d be pregnant within a few months. When that didn’t happen (and I already had one friend who’d gotten pg without even having her first period after tossing the BC), a few “what if” thoughts entered my head, but I still didn’t really start reading much about fertility until we got to the 6th month or so. Once I started reading, I realized there was a world of info that I didn’t know. Sure, I knew that women ovulate and that the egg had to be fertilized, but somehow I missed out on the fact that that egg is only viable and able to be fertilized for such a short amount of time. That astounded me. After learning that, I was sure our problem was just timing and that it’d work out soon enough.  
To make a long story short, I’m still here waiting on that “soon enough,” as we all know. This may sound strange to some, but I fully believe my struggle to get pregnant (and all of your struggles as well) is a result of living in a fallen world. In a perfect world without sin, there would be no struggle to get pregnant. God told Adam and Eve to reproduce, and without sin entering into paradise, we would have been able to follow that command and get pregnant easily and richly enlarge our families. But this is not paradise, and here we are struggling with all kinds of problems, not the least of which is trying to coax our bodies into doing what they were created to do.
Never in a million years when I was imagining marrying my soulmate did I stop to think, “What if we have trouble getting pregnant?” or “What if we can’t get pregnant?” The thought was always, “I’m going to have beautiful children with this man and we’re going to have a wonderful family.” Sometimes the reality fills my mind and I still can’t believe this thing hasn’t come easily to us.
Thankfully, infertility has in no way caused us any problems as a couple. Our marriage is solid and extremely comforting and challenging (mainly to my innate selfishness) and fun and strengthening and in many ways, better than I imagined marriage would be. I still fully believe I will have beautiful children with this man and we will have a wonderful family. The picture is just shaping up to be very different than the picture I had in my mind. I don’t know how our beautiful children will come about, but I know they will come, some day.
Being the planner/controller that I am, I try to find some meaning in this road God has sent us down. That’s where the blog post from the news anchor comes into play. The only way I can accept this journey, this struggle, this huge mystery, is to know that it will end up helping someone else along the way, and that it will make me better for having experienced it. Otherwise, it’s a wasted journey, a pointless veer off the path of what I think my life should look like. At least if things aren’t turning out exactly as they should (in my opinion), I can still gain wisdom and grace from the situation, and I can pass that wisdom on to others who find themselves in a similar situation and be an encouragement to them. That’s the only way I know how to approach this less-than-desirable state of affairs. That, and to trust that even though this is a mystery to us, God does know the plan for my life, and this is part of that plan. He has said he will work all things for my good, and so I have no choice but to trust that this is for my good.
I cling to that promise when the cramps come, when the bellies swell around me, when we babysit the precious son of dear friends. I cling to that promise when Matt and I enjoy a night of reading and laying around the house with the tv off, everything quiet except the crickets we hear outside the open windows, relishing that we can sit in silence and be thoroughly content in each other’s presence—acknowledging internally that we are one of the only couples our age we know who can have silence in their house, without the sound of toddlers playing or babies crying. I cling to that promise when Matt and I take off on a spontaneous vacation, or a long weekend at the beach to spend lying in the sun with no cares except whether we put on enough sunscreen. I cling to the promise when I imagine playing on that same beach with a baby in swimmies and waterproof diapers.
I continue to cry out, “How long, O Lord,” but resolve to enjoy as wholly as possible the present full and blessed life God has given me.


6 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I second every word you said in this post!

Comment by andrea_jennine

Very well posted. You are an encouragement to me and thank you.

Comment by Jenny

I feel like I could have written this post! Not quite so eloquently as you but I agree with everything you said!

Comment by Steph

hey girl–i got your email! i am working on a response, but it takes me a while to sit and type things out because there is this little guy who demands a lot of attention! 😉 i want to give you a real thought-out response, so i’ll try to get it to you in the next day or two. thanks for writing to me!! i consider it an honor to share our journey with you! 🙂

Comment by glenna

Wow. You put into words so wonderfully what I’ve been thinking. Amazing. Thank you.

Comment by Nity

I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciated your support on my blog. It means so much to know that someone else gets how I’m feeling. It’s funny, too, because I stumbled upon your blog this weekend and was struck by how closely I could relate to what you were expressing. Your focus on the present, the here and now is very inspirational to me.

Comment by Leslie Lane

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