Two Years and Counting

Where I am today
April 21, 2008, 3:35 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Admittedly, today has become a bit of a downer. I’ve had cramps today, exactly one week prior to my period’s estimated time of arrival, if it arrives this cycle—and I’m now convinced it’ll come…yet, I’m still sitting here eating this darn pineapple. I guess it’s hard to totally give up on hope.

It’s easy to spout things like, “The timing’s just not right, there’s a reason for everything, it’s just not God’s best for us right now, etc” when there’s a chance I could be pg…but I find it harder to take comfort in those things when I find myself at the same place in my cycle that I was last month…and the previous 15 months. But I have no choice but to keep telling myself those truths. I have nothing else but that.

I’ve gone through a range of emotions on this ride, but what I feel today is anger. I know several people pregnant with their third child right now, all within just a few years of my own age. In my selfish, untrusting, “just let me get this off my chest” moments, I get angry that God decided, for whatever reason, that we won’t get pregnant easily, and that I’ll be literally surrounded by glowing pregnant women everywhere I go: walking through the neighborhood, at work, at church, at community group, having dinner with friends. I’ll never claim to understand the mind of God, but this one thing has me so stumped. I know we would be—we will be—wonderful parents. I don’t know why God won’t let us get a start on that chapter of our lives.

It feels good to get that off my chest.


3 Comments so far
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I love you.

Comment by M

Yes, I have 2 friends who just had baby #3, and one who is due any day now. (Or maybe she already had the new baby, but she’s too afraid to tell me due to my IF issues. She lives out of state, so I only hear from her a few times a year). It really is hard.

I wish I had your (religious) faith that everything will turn out right. It sounds like it is generally a great source of strength for you. I think it is only natural that you will sometimes wonder “WHY?”.

Comment by sarah23

I’m sorry for your downer day. When I have those moments of wondering why we, who get told all the time what great parents we’ll make, haven’t been given children, I have to remind myself that God doesn’t operate on a merit system like that – and when I really stop to think about it, I’m so glad he doesn’t! If he did, who could be saved? But his mercy DID save us, apart from our merit, and so I trust that any suffering and any blessing come from his mercy, too.

Comment by andrea_jennine

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