Two Years and Counting


Wednesday morning clarity
February 13, 2008, 10:44 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

You know you’re in the deep south when you hear on the radio that traffic has slowed on a major highway due to people slowing down to look at the tiny microscopic snow flurries falling out of the sky. The past three days have been either near or at 70 degrees, so waking up to an 18 degree wind chill and snow flurries was an unexpected shock this morning!

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Monday turned out to be a pretty rough day for me. I overreacted to the situation, then just got myself worked up over the whole injustice of infertility itself. I’ve shed a few tears here and there over the course of the last eight months or so, but I think this was the first time I really let it all out and sort of allowed myself to feel it and think through all the things that bump around in my head concerning trying to get pregnant, trying to obey God, and trying to figure out his plan for us at the same time. I basically cried off and on all day and decided to leave work early so I could fit in a good long walk to clear my head. Walking (usually fast and hard) has the ability to clear my head more than most anything else. I knew I needed to get outside and move my body in order to salvage at least the last few hours of the day.

During this walk, and during the course of the day, I really believe God supplied me with a few verses that ended up helping me dig myself out of the hole. And I don’t say that lightly. I sometimes hear people talk about God talking to them, telling them specific things, supplying them with scripture or whatnot, and most of the time I think, “Man, that’d be nice to hear specifics from God.” I pray and listen to what God might be telling me, and ask him to lead me in the direction he wants me to go, but I rarely feel like God is telling me specific things.

First, on the way back to work after I’d gone home for lunch and cried probably five separate times, I was thinking that I was just so disappointed–by my ovulation coming so far after the trigger, and also by the fact that I even know what a trigger is–and the line, “Hope does not disappoint,” came to my head. I was kind of surprised because I wasn’t thinking anything biblical at all at that point. When I came back to work, I looked that verse up online (the whole section is Romans 5:1-5) and it’s talking about because we’re justified through faith, we have peace with God through Jesus, we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God, but also in our sufferings: “…we also rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us…” Another verse that’s similar is Isaiah 49:23: Those who hope in me will not be disappointed.

Later in the day, I went on my walk. I chose to get out of my neighborhood and went to a place where I used to walk a lot when I lived in the area. It’s a trail off the street that goes back into some woodsy areas and over a creek. It can be a peaceful place, although I was walking close to 5:00 so I could hear a lot of cars, and there were a lot of people out walking. But still, I found it easy to get totally lost inside my head and really talk myself through a lot of things. The people who passed me probably thought I was a crazy person because I’m sure I was whispering to myself out loud a few times. I found another two verses coming to my head when I wasn’t expecting them. “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” from Psalm 139. I’m choosing to believe that God led me to this verse to remind me that he created all the inner workings of my body and Matt’s body and that he is in control of them and how they’ll work together to create life. The other verse was: If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river.” Now, in my head it was “if only you had trusted in me…” I learned it was “if only you had paid attention to my commands…” when I got back to work and looked that verse up. Still though, I guess I wasn’t following God’s commands when I was doubting him, not believing that he can work despite the looks of things, allowing myself to get carried away rather than remaining grounded in trust in God.

What’s interesting is that at some point early in the day on Monday, I was telling God how hard it is for me to tell what he wants me to do. By directing me to these verses that are clearly about trusting in him and hoping in him in spite of our sufferings, he was telling me that his will for me right now is just to trust him. At least, I hope that’s what he’s telling me and that I’m not missing some other big point he wanted me to grasp!

One of the reasons I really think God specifically “sent” me these verses is because these verses aren’t ones that I necessarily read a whole lot. I haven’t medidated on them so that it would be natural for them to pop into my mind when I most need them. Or maybe they were buried deep in my mind and God brought them to the surface when I needed to hear them. At any rate, I think God’s hand was in me hearing them, and I appreciate him taking care of me in that way.

I woke up yesterday feeling much more in control. I don’t necessarily feel chipper about the whole process, but I have a firmer grasp on the fact that for some reason God has chosen for us to walk this road, and he has a purpose in it. I don’t have to be super happy about it, and it’s ok that I’m disappointed, but I have to trust him and believe that one day when I do have a baby, I’ll look back on this time and, while I probably won’t be happy that I had to go through it, I’ll realize that God taught me things that I would never have had the chance to learn if I’d gotten pregant right off the bat. So in that way, I guess I can “rejoice” in these present sufferings.

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3 Comments so far
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Amen! All the scripture you shared in this post was very encouraging to me.

Comment by andrea_jennine

I am happy that you took the time to do your thinking, praying and walking. Honestly it has been during the most challenging times of my life when I felt the closest to God. I think he designed it that way. You are learning a lot through this process Lauren and once it’s all over you can then teach others what you learned! God bless you.

Comment by soapchick

I agree – the scripture you shared was very encouraging to me. I think you are right in that God doesn’t speak to you often but you do know when He is trying to get a point across. I think He is stressing patience in my life. My favorite verse is in Isaiah “Nothing is impossible with God.” There has never been a more true statement. We can put our trust in these doctors and technology but only if God wants it to work will it work. Its hard to realize that when you get worked up about the specifics – like timing or finding the right medicine – but everything happens b/c He planned it that way. Its alot easier to say it than actually believe it when you are sobbing so hard you can’t breathe. I don’t know you but I know how you are feeling. You want to be a good Christian and listen to what God wants but sometimes your heart and your head don’t agree. I’ll be praying for you.

Comment by Steph




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