Two Years and Counting

Monday morning quarterbacking
February 11, 2008, 8:21 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Well, after all my cautious hopefulness last night, I’m sort of disappointed this morning. I took my temp fully expecting it to have risen, indicating ovulation, but it was still low. It’s been almost 48 hours since the trigger.  What’s the point of having a trigger if it doesn’t make you ovulate any sooner or with any more precision than if you’d just ovulated on your own?  That’s frustrating to me.  Also, I’ve read that washed sperm can live 24-72 hours, but I’m wondering if they just say that to make you feel better if things don’t go as you want them to.  I’ve also heard (on less reputable sites) that washed sperm live for something like 6 hours. 

This morning I’ve been alternately talking myself through this and asking God why he’s confounding me with my own body. Is He saying “I made your body and you cannot control it by taking your temperature, having shots, or putting your husband’s sperm in a catheter.  You’ll get pregnant when I say you do?” If that’s the case, why even bother with $300+ a pop IUIs each month?  All yesterday, part of my hopefulness was the fact that I felt like we’d timed things so well.  I had the trigger on Saturday, then Saturday night when I did the OPK, the second line was just blaring.  Granted, I guess that’s affected by the trigger, but still it was gratifying to see that line so pronounced.  I had confidence that ovulation was imminent. Then M’s numbers were so much better than last cycle, and the doctor seemed very pleased.  I was just feeling like things were looking really good.  Then a roadblock. (I know this is not a total roadblock, but go with me here.)  It just sort of makes sense in my head that God could be reminding me that he’s in control of this whole process regardless of the shots and numbers, etc.  But the thing is, I feel like I know that.  Deep down, I know that we will only get pregnant when God decides the time is right.  I just wish it were easier to tell what God’s will is for me. 

All this babbling is really just what’s stewing in my head right now. If you haven’t been able to tell already, I tend to really overthink things. I always have, and this situation is no different.  I really need to try to relax and just let this turn out to be whatever it is.  I can’t change the outcome–although that’s another thing I’m thinking about.  What’s the purpose of praying for our wants/desires if God’s will is already set in stone and he already knows what’s going to happen?  Whew, that’s another subject altogether, and Monday morning is not a good time to get into that!  Regardless of the purpose of our prayers, I’m still praying that God will work over and above all these earthly means of getting pregnant, and allow it happen to us this month, this cycle.  I’m praying that regardless of the signs, he’s creating life inside me.


6 Comments so far
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Lauren – I don’t have any profound words of spiritual wisdom. All I can say is that I would love to be your age and going through this, rather than my age. The good thing is that you have time on your hands and yes God will give you a baby on His time, not ours. That has been a difficult lesson for me to learn my entire life (God’s timing). I wanted to be married in my 20s and it didn’t happen until I was 38, but I am so grateful that I waited for the right man and didn’t marry any of those other boyfriends. One of whom is dying of cancer right now….I could be in his wife’s shoes, but I’m not because God had a different plan for me. Even now it’s taking all of my strength to just trust God with my fertility, knowing that every month I’m running out of precious time…..but I trust that God has a plan for me and I trust that it includes being a mother. On a more practical note – why not go in for a second IUI? My RE does 2 IUIs back to back, 2 days in a row. Can your hubby swing by on his lunch hour to give a deposit?

Comment by soapchick

I’ll tell you what I tell myself all the time: our hope is not in temp rises and “perfect” timing and medical interventions, our hope is in our very good God. It’s not wrong to use the tools God gives us, like IUI, but our trust must be in the Savior. And he delights in our prayers, even though he already knows the outcome! When we are bombarded by feelings of “I just don’t know” and when we run in circles of speculation, he KNOWS and he is working all for good.

Comment by andrea_jennine

I didn’t meant o comment on your “About” page. I’m sorry! Feel free to delete it!

Comment by S

I finally got a call after 6pm last night. I gave up waiting after 5 and went outside with my dog to play and came back in and had a message. Then called this morning to try to understand what they wanted us to do and got a very unfriendly nurse Annette that I had never talked to before. Christy and Susan are very nice. Anyway it was like I was bothering her. I do like Dr. H though. I guess there are 2 Dr. H’s there though! Your initial appointment sounded identical to ours. I hope your IUI worked and you are done with all of that frustration and can move onto a happy OBGYN place!

Comment by S

Well, I definitely understand the frustration about watching for temp rises, etc. My IUI also may have been 1 day too early this month, and I read the same info you did about washed sperm maybe surviving for 24+ hours, but maybe only for 6 hours after IUI. Yes, it is stressful!

Have you read “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” by Toni Weschler? The book suggests that some people’s temp rise may lag by a day or more after ovulation. I’m assuming that maybe ovulation occurs, but the corpus luteum takes a little more time to mature. Do you by chance ever check your cervical fluid? Around ovulation, the fluid should change from an “egg-white” to a “creamy” or “sticky” consistency. This month, I definitely changed to creamy/sticky a full day before my temp bumped up. (Sorry if this is too graphic… I don’t know if you are familiar with the Fertility Awareness Method promoted by that book…)

Your questioning about God’s will in this process is really interesting. I tend to focus more on just the science of getting the sperm to meet with the egg, and that tends to make me really edgy, because if I don’t get pregnant it’s *my* fault (I didn’t time things right, etc). I’m really appreciate the chance to read about the different ways that people deal with their IF struggles. 🙂

Comment by sarah23

I think that meds, especially the trigger shot, very often change temps. I wouldn’t worry about it.

Good luck this 2ww!

Comment by southcitysadie

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