Two Years and Counting


Control
December 5, 2007, 3:26 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

As one who tends to worry a bit too much about things over which I have no control, I’ve discovered that I need to be careful how much I read about infertility. Sometimes it seems that the more I read about various causes, treatments, troubles, etc, associated with infertility, the more I worry about what our journey might look like. It’s helpful to hear about other people’s personal accounts of trying to get pregnant, but some of the more clinical stats and information can just cause me to think way too much.

I remember listening to a sermon several years ago by Tim Keller (the pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in NYC) about marriage. He and his wife were giving this sermon together. His wife made this one little comment that has stayed close with me ever since. I’ve been able to apply it to many different situations, and these days, I’m finding that I can apply it to our present situation. She said that God doesn’t play along with our imaginations, our fantasies, if you will. When we imagine (or worry about) what our future will look like, God doesn’t inject his grace into that mental picture—the grace that he will in fact give us if our lives work out in this particular way. Here’s the example she gave: You worry about still being single at 30 (or 35, or 40). You look at what you think your life will be like if you’re still unmarried by then. (Remember, this sermon was on marriage and singleness.) Mrs. Keller says God won’t inject his grace into that picture, so you’re essentially picturing a future without a husband and without the grace that God WILL give you if in fact you find yourself single and “that” age. I’m not sure if I’m making any sense. Basically, she’s saying don’t worry about what things will be like if “thing” happens or doesn’t happen. If it does happen, or doesn’t happen, God will be there, walking through it with you, pouring out his grace on you to enable you to get through it. When you’re imagining the future, you can’t imagine the grace that will be there for you when you actually get there.

This morning I was thinking about that in light of us trying to get pregnant. I can’t worry about what will be going on 3 months from now, or 6 months from now. What if in 6 months, we’ve already had 3 or 4 failed IUI cycles? What if we’re in the middle of IVF? What if they can’t find a reason why we’re not getting pregnant? Those questions are too big to think about, because it’s a completely unknown territory. If any of those situations happen, or something worse or better, God will be there with us, giving us grace to withstand whatever happens.

I’m a list-maker and a planner. I like to be organized, to know what’s going on, to feel in control of what I can. God has proved to me many times that he’s the one in control and that he knows what he’s doing—even more than I do. (One example would be that he didn’t allow any previous relationships to work out, even though they left me kicking and screaming and befuddled, because he had Matt, who’s 100 times more perfect for me than anyone I even thought about dating, waiting for me around the bend.) Even still, I like to think I’m in control of many things in my life. Infertility may be the thing that blows a hole in this idea that I still have a certain amount of control over what happens. I can still make decisions and learn and grow and be wise, but ultimately, God is the one who knows the end from the beginning and knows how each puzzle piece needs to fall in order to make way for the next piece.

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4 Comments so far
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Hi Lauren! Thanks for coming by–and I too, will catch up on your entries–and Ill be following along in your journey.

Just wanted to tell you I am a fellow list-maker and planner–so I understand that VERY well…your last paragraph rang very true–its hard to let go of control and accept that God has everything in His hands. Thanks for that reminder today–I need it often!

Comment by JJ

I heard something similar once in a message from Carolyn Mahaney, and it really stuck with me, too. She said, “God doesn’t give you tomorrow’s grace today,” and that’s why worrying about tomorrow is fruitless. Such a necessary truth to go back to again and again!

Comment by andrea_jennine

I was recently studying the story of Elizabeth for Christmas.

There I am reminded that God will give us grace to reverse our disgrace ultimately.

Keep on praying and keep on trusting God.

Comment by Bumble

Lauren,

Yes, you are right, the Newsweek article does cover this study – and it is actually written by some of the doctors who oversee the Nurses’ Health Study. I actually bought Newsweek this week b/c of the cover story and was surprised to find a legit article about health and fertility. 🙂 I promise I’ll post something about it soon. Hope you are well.

Comment by Heather




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